simplifying my life

going back to the basics when life gets chaotic

from Twenty Five, Twenty One (2022)

It’s already nearing the end of February, which means it’s been about exactly 5 months since I turned 19. Though it hasn’t even been half a year, I’ve been feeling how I’ve already changed and grown more than I ever thought I would.

The first half of my journey as a 19-year-old has been explorative. I have outgrown many traditions and beliefs that my identity once revolved around. I pushed myself to try new things, which opened doors to both success and failure. I have grown to be a little more comfortable with rejection, and I have discovered new passions, relationships, and interests that I’ve fallen in love with. I would go as far as to say that this half-year has expanded my world at a faster rate than it had throughout the entirety of my teenage life. That said, while my life still feels quite turbulent, I want to take this moment of peace (which may be short and fleeting, but surely sweet) to organize and reflect on what I’ve been feeling and thinking lately.

the intensity of pain vs. the gentleness of hope

Life has been incredibly chaotic, and each week feels like it could have been a month. I’ve been more confused because it’s impossible to pin down what kind of terrain I’m fighting through. One moment would feel like the end of the world, and the next I’d be filled with appreciation and hope for everything. Am I walking through pastures? deserts? valleys? mountains? Surrendering to the fact that I am in a season with all of them, giving in to the fact that God can take me through any path and all I can do is be faithful and still—this has given me immense peace.

So even though there have been pretty intense struggles, there have also been consistent, gentle reminders of the beauty and the gift that life truly is. In moments of pain, I remember memories so sweet that I can’t help but thank God. Pain comes in noise and aggression; hope comes in gentle whispers of love, joy, and trust, which require deliberate listening.

back to the basics

When I’m overwhelmed with everything going on, I am forced to slow down. Slowing down for me looks like simplifying. It means letting go of the complicated things that aren’t essential and focusing on the things that I know are good for me. It means chasing not necessarily familiarity, but recognizing the things that work best for me and implementing them into a routine.

Looking back, I think this has been somewhat of a pattern I’ve returned to each time I felt drowned by the noise of the present. Back in my senior year of high school, when I was going through one of the lowest points in my life, I forced myself to post a photo of something that made me happy every day on a secret instagram account. When I couldn’t think of anything special, I always resorted to a good cup of tea or coffee I had that day. No matter how horrible the days felt, I could always appreciate good food or drinks. I noted the lime-pineapple-mint tea my mom made me after I cried in therapy, and the peach iced tea with a shot of espresso I tried with my dad after school. I associate 탕후루 with the time I ordered it home with my brother post-breakdown—and gradually, I began to notice that it was the people, the memories, the love that came with these small enjoyments that kept me alive.

Here in college, I find comfort in the familiarity of the things I know I enjoy. I’m realizing that it’s okay to not always try new things. I love the simplicity of the hot americanos I get with my boyfriend between classes. I enjoy the routine of eating dinner at the same time with my best friend Hyoeun, talking about random things and feeling healed by the sheer ease of our connection. I love catching up with my dad at the gym, discussing cello, economics, and politics in a way I could with no one else. I love calling my mom every morning on my way to breakfast and hearing about her day. I love telling her what I’m eating and talking about things so mundane that I can’t even recall them anymore; all I’m surely left with is the fuzzy, warm feeling I get from knowing that my mom, living her own life 11,252 km away, is still a part of me no less than ever before.

enjoying the known ≠ settling

Just because I'm going back to the basics doesn't mean I am not moving forward. I'm reverting to what I do best: sticking to the routines that propel me forward, even if it's just a little every day, and savoring the small joys I find in the little things I adore along the way. This is how I get back on track when life seems to shake everything into chaos. This is how I keep moving forward when every day feels like a hike. This is how I remember that life is sweet; and continuously seeking that sweetness, that gentleness, is how I find peace.

Instead of running around trying to do everything, I’m in a period in my life where I want to settle into a general structure that will hold me together, a foundation that will ground me before I begin to expand again. This structure isn’t made to confine me, but to set a firm foundation in who I am and what I want, what I enjoy, what I love, prior to exposing myself more and more to greater adventures.